Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Faulkner Speech

I was finishing my super late Faulkner final paper today and I read this and thought it was just really amazing. (Sorry for being a douchebag and having two faulkner posts.)

Faulkner's nobel prize acceptance speech, 1950:

"I feel that this award was not made to me as a man, but to my work - a life's work in the agony and sweat of the human spirit, not for glory and least of all for profit, but to create out of the materials of the human spirit something which did not exist before. So this award is only mine in trust. It will not be difficult to find a dedication for the money part of it commensurate with the purpose and significance of its origin. But I would like to do the same with the acclaim too, by using this moment as a pinnacle from which I might be listened to by the young men and women already dedicated to the same anguish and travail, among whom is already that one who will some day stand here where I am standing.

Our tragedy today is a general and universal physical fear so long sustained by now that we can even bear it. There are no longer problems of the spirit. There is only the question: When will I be blown up? Because of this, the young man or woman writing today has forgotten the problems of the human heart in conflict with itself which alone can make good writing because only that is worth writing about, worth the agony and the sweat.

He must learn them again. He must teach himself that the basest of all things is to be afraid; and, teaching himself that, forget it forever, leaving no room in his workshop for anything but the old verities and truths of the heart, the old universal truths lacking which any story is ephemeral and doomed - love and honor and pity and pride and compassion and sacrifice. Until he does so, he labors under a curse. He writes not of love but of lust, of defeats in which nobody loses anything of value, of victories without hope and, worst of all, without pity or compassion. His griefs grieve on no universal bones, leaving no scars. He writes not of the heart but of the glands.

Until he relearns these things, he will write as though he stood among and watched the end of man. I decline to accept the end of man. It is easy enough to say that man is immortal simply because he will endure: that when the last dingdong of doom has clanged and faded from the last worthless rock hanging tideless in the last red and dying evening, that even then there will still be one more sound: that of his puny inexhaustible voice, still talking. I refuse to accept this. I believe that man will not merely endure: he will prevail. He is immortal, not because he alone among creatures has an inexhaustible voice, but because he has a soul, a spirit capable of compassion and sacrifice and endurance. The poet's, the writer's, duty is to write about these things. It is his privilege to help man endure by lifting his heart, by reminding him of the courage and honor and hope and pride and compassion and pity and sacrifice which have been the glory of his past. The poet's voice need not merely be the record of man, it can be one of the props, the pillars to help him endure and prevail."

[Supposedly when he read the speech, hardly anyone could hear or understand what he was saying because of he has a really heavy southern accent and spoke too quietly. People clapped politely and he walked off stage. It was only when a transcript of it was printed the next day in the newspaper that people read it all. Soon after became regarded as one of the most important nobel prize addresses ever given.]

Top of the World














I found this picture on the photoblog of my ex Japanese teacher on my highschool's website. It was in an album of pictures from when he brought our class to a Japanese Mall in New Jersey. I was the coolest kid those Japanese people had ever seen.

drunk post

It is 4:31 a.m. i went to my friend ben's house at 11. My friend brian was there. Then my friend daniel was there. We talked and listened to music. It was cold outside and the snow had melted then frozen. We went to an empty bar and watched football highlights while the music we chose from the boombox played. My friend john showed up suddenly. He was drunk indeed. He left. We left. We ate falafels in a tasty place that unfortunately had a mouse infestation. Listening to the mice squeak to one another, I finished my falafel, we left and I split a cab home and now I'm on my couch reading the blog posts of my vassar friends that were once all in one place and are now stretched across the country. Sam! Kira! Kenny! your posts are partying with me and abbey road. I hope youre all sleeping deeply and having special dreams.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

B.I.G. - Ready To Die

I have recently realized that of all the music genres to listen to while writing tired, rap is the best. And of all rap, Biggie Smalls are Tupac Shakur are number one. And between Biggie and Tupac, Biggie is king. So, having realized this, at 7:30 in morning, two days ago, tired as a dick, I walked to the deec, set Ready to Die to repeat and buckled down for five hours of coffee-foggy work on my lit non-fiction portfolio, due that afternoon on the floor in front of my teacher's office.

For five full hours Biggie's voice pulsed in my head, throbbing like a heavy syruppy heartbeat. The continuous pounding beats matched with Biggie's thick muffled verses marched relentlessly around my brain, leaving me lost in a cocktail of confused shifting moods directly linked to the disturbed and disjointed emotional architecture of the album. Biggie's personality, in all it's self-loathing, schizophrenic complexity, rung in my head for the rest of the day. And I got really into all the contradicting thoughts and feelings that had settled themselves in my mind and realized once again how amazing and weirdly complex this album is. In light of that, I decided to try to make a nice map of all it's parts. Here is what I came up with:

Tech 9. Mach 10. .22's, .45, glocks, shotties.

Fuck bitches. Party. Fuck bitches. Girls are objects for my pleasure.
I'm going to kill everyone. Get more money.
Clothes, party, money, prostitutes.
Get high. Rob. Steal.
I love being a gangster, I love toting guns, I love fucking.
I hate myself. My mom hates me. I'm a piece of shit.
Girls all want me. Make love, make love.
I'm rich but I still pack gats and I'll kill anyone.
I have a big dick. I want a piece of steak. Get High get your dick sucked.
People want to rob me, I'll shoot them all, dog eat dog, dog eat dog.
My mom wishes she had a motherfucking abortion.
My mom is dying.
I hate my mom.
I love my mom.
I hate women.
I love women.
I love myself.
I hate myself.
I'm ready to die.
I deserve to die.
I hate this life.
I love this life.
Get high, fuck bitches.
Shoot them down. Get Money Get money.
Fuck heaven and fuck me.
I'll kill anyone.
I'm a piece of shit.

I'm ready to die.
I can't take the stress,
I'm ready to die.
I deserve to die.
I can't take it.
put your guns in the air.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

things i didn't like about today:
-found out a paper i thought was due next monday was due last monday
-i have a cold, and i've been sneezing and getting germs on everything i touch but not telling.
-i had to say goodbye to some homies.
-since i had no clean socks, i turned the pair i wore yesterday inside out and wore those.
-i considerably freaked out about work.
-i haven't showerd in three days.
-i feel sick and dirty and lazy.

things i liked about today:
-I got two extensions by email.
-I didn't go to work.
-I listened to Ready To Die the whole way through three times.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

I watched the big man fall from my room.

He had lost his shirt to the humid air,
and without it, the warm ground,
like a surgeon,
touched him directly.

His small daughter walked limbly
by his side, and
turning at the tumble
hiccuped with cries cries at the sight

And on the hot iron-gray street,
the freckled man beat her like a drum.
And her little body rung with the blows
hollow and echo like the barrel of a gun.

Monday, December 15, 2008

...look at the sky, homie.
what?
look.
what about it?
wow.
wow what?
i dunno...wow.
...
son, that goes forever.
so? I can't feel forever.

ira glass is my friend

Dear richard macdonald,

Thanks for helping Chicago Public Radio pay for the This American Life podcast and streams! They cost the station more than $150,000 a year, and you’re a big sweetheart to help them cover that huge expense.

Your employer might double or even triple your contribution. Search for your company's policy and forms via MatchFinderOnline.

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Thanks, again!

Your friend,
Ira Glass

sleepy post

I like driving with my girl

Sunday, December 14, 2008

chairs

Weekend in Wainscott with people I like doing things with and things I like doing.


walking around bridgehampton at night waiting for my friends to arrive, the beach sunny but in winter, resting long on my white couches, bay, sand, candy kitchen diner, a dream about voldemort, a messy house, a cleaned house, protecting myself from the cold.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

faulkner you are democratic

Since my last post, i have taken an eight hour nap and feel like a normal person again, i.e. not like I'm drunk with tiredness. Despite that, I'm forced back to paper writing, or at least paper thinking. I really don't think my fingers would permit me to start another paper for at least a couple days. Still, if I don't start planning my Faullkner final paper soon ill be in sorry state. So, here I'm going try to trick my brain into thinking that I'm just writing a blog post, no stress, no problem alec, just relaxing, thinking for fun, you like Faulkner so just figure out why, and what you want to write about and that'll give you the energy to make the 12 page paper climb in a few days. yeah, so, what do I think of Faulkner, and what do i want to write about?

Race. Faulkner is obsessed with race. But what is the larger picture? The larger picture is that societies notion of race is exemplary of

shit, more to come, brain tired.

Go for gold


In class this morning I calculated that I have been awake for approximately 35 of the last 38 hours. That is two all-nighters back to back, minus a two and a half hour nap after the first, and a half hour nap in the cafeteria before my 9 a.m. class after the second. Waking up to go to class was where the real difficulty came. And it was so cold and shitty. I was sort of okay otherwise.

It started at 11pm two nights ago, after a three hour nap from 8-11pm (preparation for what i thought was going to be a single, very productive all-nighter). I kept my blinds shut so as not to remind myself that day had come. At 2:30 I took my nap. When i woke up it was 5 and the sun had already gone down. As the light rose this morning I saw the first bit of daylight i'd seen in two days. but it was raining.

Now im at work. Here are the barcodes i scanned:
->35042000714072
->35042010167741
->35042012342201
->35042010949411

Ten minutes ago i felt great, like i had overcome sleep ("woah! i feel indestructible guys!") but now im at work and im falling all over my desk and sighing like a kid dragged to a museum by his parents. My brain feels extra goey. My shift is over in an hour and 12 minutes. It will take me six or seven minutes to walk back to my room. Then I can go to sleep.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

last year was a big one, 2008 almost done

Pictures of people (i think i these get their moods at the time pretty well), and then a picture of my bed when i went skiing in Utah. I spent a lot of time on that bed. Things i did: Watched two bootleged seasons of the office on the internet, listened to music, lit up the dark room with the screen as my parents slept, emailed people.

Sophia and Christine

bernardo
Kenny

Sam
sophia
Christine

my hotel bed